Euro Jokes
 

          The Election
       
 While walking down the street one day a   senior Euro Politician is  tragically hit by a truck and dies.          
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
            'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.        
We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure
what to do with you.'          
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.            
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.         
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity.'     
  'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the Eurocrat.
         'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'       
   And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.          
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
 and standing in front of it are all his friends and other Eurocrats who had worked with him.
  Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they
had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.           
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
      They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.          
 Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...............
 The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.     
  'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
          
So, 24 hours pass with the Eurocrat joining a group of contented souls moving from
cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.       
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.            
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
          
The Eurocat reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said
it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
 
           So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
        
 Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
         
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
         
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the Eurocrat.
            
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate
lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage
and my friends look miserable.      
What happened? '
           
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning ........................
            
Today you voted !
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A farmer named Sam was overseeing his animals in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly
a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.  
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses
and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to
his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he
then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it
to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® Database through an
ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a
few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly
1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to
a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying
to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
 This is a flock of sheep!
Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT Friends
IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 
This sums up UKIP and the UK Press.
David Cameron and Nigel Farage are on the terrace of the House of Commons having a drink, it's sunny but gusty and the wind blows David's hat off his head and in to the river. "Don't worry David," says Nigel, "I'll get it!" and he jumps over the wall and in to the river. However there is no splash. David peers over the wall and to his surprise sees Nigel walking on water. Nigel strolls across the surface of the Thames picks up David's hat and takes it back to him in front of the entire House of Commons press lobby.
The next day the headlines read: "Nigel Farage Can't Swim!"
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl vritin styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KOM TRU!

Herr Schmidt
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Historian Timothy Garton Ash complied, with the one-liner "If the EU applied to join the EU it would not be admitted" - on the grounds that it does not meet its own standards for democracy.He said political jokes were more characteristic of dictatorships, so their absence was a good sign - except that being as "boring" as the EU was also a problem.One EU official later remembered another joke, not so much about the European Union itself, as European stereotypes:In Heaven: the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian,
and the bankers are Swiss.In Hell: the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.
 
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Sergiu, RomaniaA joint anglo-french-romanian military exercise is taking place. The English commander throws his high-tech watch in a pool full of sharks and orders a soldier to go get it. This one goes and is eaten by sharks. The French commander throws his swiss "montre" and orders Jean-Pierre to go get it, but this one too is killed by the sharks. The Romanian commander, looks with rememberance at his old watch, checks his pocket and finds a small penny, throws it in the pool and asks Ion to go get it. Ion dives, fights with the sharks and brings back the coin, but his commander is displeased: Go get me the watches boy!
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Sergiu, Romania: You tell a Brit a joke, he laughs twice, once when you him the joke and then when you explain it to him. You tell the same joke to an Italian, he laughs once; he doesn't get it first but he laughs hard once it's explained to him. The typical very polite German only laughs once, when you tell the joke, but then you can explain it to him 10 times, he still doesn't get it. 

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Andy Boughey, Houston, Texas (ex UK) A visitor taking a tour of EU headquarters noticed a line painted down the middle of the corridor. "What's that for?" He asked the guide. "Oh, that's to keep the staff coming in late from colliding with the ones who are leaving early."
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Mary Sadler, Washington, DC USA A prize was to be awarded for the first person to discover a horse with black and white stripes like a zebra. A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Spaniard participated hoping to win the prize of 1,000,000 euros.
The German decided to spend weeks in the National library researching into horses with black and white stripes.
The Englishman went straight to a shop in Piccadilly which specialises in hunting gear, bought all the equipment necessary and set off for Africa in his quest for this strange creature.
The Frenchman bought himself a horse and painted it black and white .
The Spaniard went to the best restaurant he knew in Madrid, ordered an expensive meal for himself with a fine bottle of wine; after the meal he ordered an expensive Havana cigar and a Napoleon brandy, sat in a luxurious arm-chair in the hotel and began to consider what he would do with the 1,000,000 euros once he had found this remarkable horse with black and whte stripes.
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Robert Fromow, Beaconsfield UKAn Italian, an Englishman and a Frenchman are travelling around in a plane. Suddenly the Englishman stands up, sticks his arm out of the porthole and declares, "We're flying over London!". The other two, dazzled, ask him, "But how can you tell?." "I can see the Big Ben!" is the Englishman's reply. After a while, the Frenchman suddenly stands up, sticks his hand arm out of the window and says, "We're flying over Paris!". The others, amazed, ask him, "How possibly can you know?" "Look, there is the Eiffel Tower!" claims he. Finally the Italian stands up, sticks his hand up and declares, "We're flying over Naples!". The other two, amazed reply, "But how can you tell?" and the Italian, retrieving his arm, "Look, they just stole my watch!"
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Reuben Barton, Sacramento, California, USALook on the bright side: If all those Eurocrats weren't riding the gravy train in Brussels and Strasbourg, just think of the havoc they'd be wreaking in their own countries..!

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Jamie, Wendover, UKThree men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their wives duties. Terry had married a woman from France and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. Jimmy married a woman from England. He ragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. He told them that the first day he did not see any results, but the next day was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third, the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

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Dave, USA: More an Anglo/French joke: An Englishman, Irishman and Frenchman find an old lamp and free the genie. So the genie grants each of them a wish. The Irishman says that his country is beautiful, green and lush. His wish is that it will always be so. The Frenchman says his country is suffering from foreign influence and wishes for a wall to keep everthing and everyone out.
 The Englishman considers this and asks the genie: 'tell me more about this wall'. It's a high wall replies the genie. It surrounds France, nothing can get in or out. Then, says the Englishman, 'fill it with water'.

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Stan Thomas, Wrexham, UKOk, another toaster. It's a Czech Eurojoke but easily translatable if you change the names and the denominations. Parobek, Topolanek and Vaclav Klaus are in a small plane flying over the beautiful Czech Lands. Topolanek looks out the window and says,"Hmmm...if I dropped a 1000 Euro not out the window now, I'd make one Czech really happy." Then Vaclav Klaus says, "Ha! If I dropped ten 1000 Crown notes out the window now I'd make ten Czechs really happy." Then Parobek says,"Well, if I dropped one hundred 100 Crown notes out the window I'd make a hundred Czechs really happy." The pilot is listening to this and thinks, "Hmmm...if I drop these three guys out the window right now I'll make 10.5 million Czechs REALLY happy."
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Shirl, hradec kralove czech republicAt least you guys have decent pastries. What do we have that's truly native; Cornbread. Not so tasty as tiramisu. As an outsider looking in; the EU over all seems a positive uniteding force for modern Europe. I just think the original member countries should have waited longer before expanding and giving membership to other countries. It appears there are still some issues that need to be solved. And as the saying goes: Too many cooks spoil the broth.

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Bob, Northridge USAI seem to remember one that goes something like: "How many people work at the European Commission? About a fourth of them."
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Filip Van Roosbroeck, Brussels, BelgiumThere was a cruise ship full of english, french, germans and italians, sinking in the middle of the med, the captain had radioed for help and been told that if the passengers jumped into the sea then they could be picked up. Now, being sort of busy trying to salvage what he could of the ship, he sent his young second in command off to give the passengers their instructions. 5 minutes later he came back looking disappointed. "What's wrong?" the captain asked? "They all refuse to just jump into the sea like that, they won't listen to me", replied his second in command. So, looking frustrated, the the captain went off to do it himself. He too came back 5 minutes later, however he, unlike his second, returned a smug grin! "How did you do that?" demanded the second "Well..." started the captain"...I told the British it was traditional, I told the French it was fashionable, I told the Germans it was an order and I told the Italians it was forbidden!"
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Juan Matthews, Abingdon, UK How the EU works: In Germany, they make the rules, in Britain, they obey the rules, in France, they bend the rules, in Spain, they break the fules and in Italy they have no rules at all.

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Alan of Culverstone Green.... The Commission thought it a good idea to try to encourage replacing old, pre metric, phases & expressions. The winning answer in this category, to replace  to " spend a penny" - the new EU expression is:-
 to "Euronate", the Commission only awarded him 2p!

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UK SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and give it to someone else. COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk. FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which you cannot afford to keep because of milk imported from a member state with cheaper labour. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough to carry on working them. You then sell your milk at the original high price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at the price that drove you to subsidies to make Europe competitive

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An Englishman, Frenchman, German, Belgian, Italian and Spaniard walk into a pub... and the landlord says
 "Is this some kind of joke?"

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What has to change to make Polish roads meet EU standards?  EU standards.

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:What do EU funds have in common with aliens?  You hear about them, but you never see them.I know.
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What's Germany's latest attempt at promoting austerity in Europe?   We are only making cheap jokes now.

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A Greek, an Irishman and a Portuguese go into a bar and order a drink. Who picks up the bill?

A German.
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 The Eurozone credit ratings are like a frying pan.
Greece at the bottom...

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 Oh dear. The eurozone's Facebook page has changed its currency status from ‘single’ to ‘it's complicated’.

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 NEWS FLASH: Greece has approached the IMF for a €60bn loan after they were turned down by Wonga

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 The eurozone leaders are looking for a stimulus package. Silvio Berlusconi suggests two Viagra and a Red Bull.

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My wife misunderstood my son when he asked for some Play-Doh for Christmas. She got him a load of euros.

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Breaking news: The eurozone financial crisis will soon be over as Greece has received an unconditional €100bn bailout offer.

All they have to do is email their account details to the anonymous daughter of wealthy, but deceased African general...

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The European Parlament has decided to change the design of the euro
when noticing that the first one was a bit boring and sad.
The new design is a stronger and more aggressive one
which will make people eager to consume ...
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